Monday, May 10, 2010
Reality Check! Fifteen Weeks and Counting
My "Pregnancy Calculator" insists that this is my 15th week, but my oversized belly suggests otherwise. During my last doctors appointment, I was able to see the little miracle in my body. I assumed that with this being my fourth pregnancy and all, seeing another fetus wouldn't be a big deal, boy was I wrong.
I decided to bring the girls with me in hopes that it would make this huge change in our family a bit more realistic to them. Alanah and Ashlynn sat and snacked on Cheetos while watching the screen. I laid on the procedure bed, staring at them and struggling not to blink, I didn't want to miss the expression on there faces when they first made out the distorted image. A few seconds after the image came up, Guy (my midwife) gave my belly a huge jiggle, then we waited quietly. Alanah dropped her chips and covered her mouth " Oh my gosh, it's our baby" she exclaimed as she waved to the screen. She smiled from ear to ear and commented on how cute "it" was, then intermittently began shouting "Hi baby!" and "Ashlynn, say hi to our baby". Ashlynn's eyes grew as she began to put the black and white blotches together. She joined her sister in shouting hello. My eyes welled up with tears and my heart melted at their joyous reactions. I turned to the screen and the tears began to fall. Even after having three kids, I'm still overwhelmed by the miracle of life and the fact that our Father in Heaven is trusting me to raise his child. My saviors love surrounded me as I witnessed the tiny movements. The spirit was so strong that even my doctor, who performs countless ultrasounds had to testify of the undeniable power of God. We exchanged testimonies and hugs and I was on my way home with a whole new perspective on this particular pregnancy.
I went to my doctors appointment because, well, it's routine, and I brought the girls, intending to help them prepare for the new baby. I can see now that I needed the experience so much more than they did. I've been scared since the day I realized that I was pregnant. Scared of a miscarriage, scared of making the other 3 kids feel neglected while I nurture a newborn, scared of the physical pain, scared of the psychological struggles from hormonal changes, scared of the added responsibility and stress for Nate. TERRIFIED of failure! The fear had tainted my faith and overcome me.
I left my appointment feeling renewed and empowered. Reminiscent of the day I received my Patriarchal Blessing, I was reminded that I need to do what I can, the very best I know how, and the Lord will take care of the rest, as long as I let him in. The fear was gone (with the exception of the Physical pain...yikes!) and my limited control was once again a reality that I am indeed grateful for. There is a glorious plan that I am privileged to be a part of.